Mary and Martha

Well, I went and failed again. I drove to the mall today expecting to pick up five or so job applications to different stores, but, once I got there, all of my old fears and insecurities kicked into high gear and I ended up walking out with only two. And then came home and cried - I'm still wiping the tears off my cheeks. When I got to the mall, I was actually so nervous about going into certain clothing stores that I've avoided like the plague for my entire life that I sat in a bathroom stall and prayed and felt like throwing up for a few minutes (this is what modern advertising does to some people). Once I was finally able to will myself out of the toilets, I found that, just like old times, I was physically unable to walk into most of them. I wandered around and around that mall, trying to drum up the courage to face my fears and get it over with, but, no, it wasn't going to happen. The only two stores I felt even close to comfortable in were Victoria's Secret (odd

I just received the scare of my life when I found this in my inbox: Hello, Just an update regarding the status of your Hillsdale degree: Right now, you need to complete three more hours of elective History credit to complete your requirements for graduation. If I can help in any way, please let me know. I hope all is well with you. Best Um, my advisor told me that I had completed all of my requirements. I myself looked through the requirements and thought I had completed them all. What the heck is going on? I spent 4 years at that place, miserable, unhappy, wanting to get out, but I never left, I never gave up. I want my degree!!

Commissary, oh commissary, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: I love thee to almost the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when you are within sight I love thee to the level of everyday's Most urgent need, by stove and oven's light I love thee freely, as men strive for Right I love thee purely, with undying praise. I love thee with a passion put to use By my culinary griefs and child-like faith I love thee with a love I shall never lose While ingredients stand ready -- with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if I could choose, I would love thee even after death *Based on the poem by Elizabeth Barret Browning

Wow, it just hit me this very instant - I'm homesick for Michigan and my family. Very homesick. Quite homesick. I want to run back north and hide under my parents' bed so no one can find me and drag me back down here. I miss my dog. I know he's dead, but being away from the house makes it harder to accept this, since he's living in my memories and I can think of him as still being there all I want without having to confront reality. UPDATE: As always God is good and merciful. No sooner had I pressed the submit button than my phone rang and it was EJ on the line. Him: Guess what, hon. I'm coming home for lunch today! [This never happens] Me (blubbering): I'm ... so ... homesick! *cries more* Him: Well, do you want to laugh? Me: *sniffles* Y-yeah. And he proceeded to regale me with anecdotes from that morning. I feel much better now that hubby's on his way home. =)

I have to admit, I'm sort of dragging my feet. Tomorrow, however, I hope to have my resume fully updated so I can send it off with some applications. I'm just hoping I don't get offered a managerial position. I can't handle that kind of responsibility - or people yelling at me - right now. Maybe when I'm 50 and have some more experience dealing with people I'll be able to, but not right now.