Job Apps

Well, I went and failed again. I drove to the mall today expecting to pick up five or so job applications to different stores, but, once I got there, all of my old fears and insecurities kicked into high gear and I ended up walking out with only two. And then came home and cried - I'm still wiping the tears off my cheeks.

When I got to the mall, I was actually so nervous about going into certain clothing stores that I've avoided like the plague for my entire life that I sat in a bathroom stall and prayed and felt like throwing up for a few minutes (this is what modern advertising does to some people). Once I was finally able to will myself out of the toilets, I found that, just like old times, I was physically unable to walk into most of them. I wandered around and around that mall, trying to drum up the courage to face my fears and get it over with, but, no, it wasn't going to happen. The only two stores I felt even close to comfortable in were Victoria's Secret (oddly enough) and Hallmark - VS because there were only women working there, and Hallmark because it isn't a clothing store at all. But Hallmark had just filled the last position for the summer and I'm sure the mini-app I filled out ((i.e. the stray piece of paper on which I put my name, phone number, and "no retail experience") went straight into the circular file.

Aeropostle, American Eagle, etc. are stores that I've always hated going into because I felt so dowdy and fat and unattractive compared to the people who shopped - and worked - there. I was always the outcast at school; the preps avoided and made fun of me. Why would they stop now just because I'm an adult? And why would I think I could simply say a few words of encouragement to myself and forget my entire life?

Oh, the other application I got was for Rue21. The only reason I was able to get one from there was because I didn't see any guys working behind the counter. I think that's my biggest hangup of all - dealing with the guys (is that really a bad thing, though?).

*sigh* To date, I've applied to the Gap, Barnes & Noble (really, really crossing my fingers for that one), Ulta, Victoria's Secret, and Rue21. The way it's looking, I'm going to end up working for evil Wal-Mart after all. =(

EDIT: I don't agree with the philosophies behind most of these stores, but, if I were able to get over my issues, I think it would be a fun challenge to try to come up with modest outfits using only their clothing items.

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