I want to be Daddy's Little Girl
Isn't it funny how a child is able to forgive his or her parents to an almost sacrificial degree or, on the other hand, to hate them with a passion far exceeding that which he or she may have for any other person. Though a child who has been adopted may never have met their birth mother, they still probably feel strong emotions towards them one way or another. When she came of age, my older half-sister, whom my mother had given up for adoption because she would have been unable to care for her as a single parent in the military, sought out and found mom on her own once she turned 17. What is it about parents (blood relation) that has such a grip on our minds that those to whom we are less related or perhaps not related at all simply cannot compete with?
My father is a frustrating man. Many's the time I've wanted to scream in his face that I hate him and never want to see him again. Though he has many good attributes, he's bullied me, told me as a child that he was glad I was afraid of him, and ... yet ... he loves me ... and I love him. Why is that? Why, when he discourages me at every step, do I still want to love him? Why do I want to know that he loves me? What is so important about this particular man that every fiber of my being wishes we had "a better relationship." Why doesn't the wonderful relationship I have with my husband fulfill that desire? After all, EJ's a man. Why do I need unconditional love so badly from one particular man?
Just looking at it from a logical point of view I come to the conclusion that God has built something into us. Family is spiritual, not just physical. There really is something in the blood of relations that binds us closer - and thus can also expel us farther. I don't think I will ever stop loving or forgiving my dad. In trying to mold me into his idea of the perfect worldly woman, he has pushed me farther away than any other human being, yet I keep trying to come back, hoping that someday I will be good enough. God has put that hunger in all of us; inbred, inbuilt, incapable of doing anything else.
Hopefully, I will be able to stand at the Resurrection with EJ on my right and dad on my left, and hold dad's hand and hear him say that he loves Jesus with all his might and that he's always loved me, too, no matter what.
My father is a frustrating man. Many's the time I've wanted to scream in his face that I hate him and never want to see him again. Though he has many good attributes, he's bullied me, told me as a child that he was glad I was afraid of him, and ... yet ... he loves me ... and I love him. Why is that? Why, when he discourages me at every step, do I still want to love him? Why do I want to know that he loves me? What is so important about this particular man that every fiber of my being wishes we had "a better relationship." Why doesn't the wonderful relationship I have with my husband fulfill that desire? After all, EJ's a man. Why do I need unconditional love so badly from one particular man?
Just looking at it from a logical point of view I come to the conclusion that God has built something into us. Family is spiritual, not just physical. There really is something in the blood of relations that binds us closer - and thus can also expel us farther. I don't think I will ever stop loving or forgiving my dad. In trying to mold me into his idea of the perfect worldly woman, he has pushed me farther away than any other human being, yet I keep trying to come back, hoping that someday I will be good enough. God has put that hunger in all of us; inbred, inbuilt, incapable of doing anything else.
Hopefully, I will be able to stand at the Resurrection with EJ on my right and dad on my left, and hold dad's hand and hear him say that he loves Jesus with all his might and that he's always loved me, too, no matter what.
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